Correct the Seemingly Impossible: The Mistake of Using Reason and Logic to Change the Behavior of Your Spouse or Parent with Dementia

You want to be a loving wife to your spouse with dementia. ❤️ A reliable husband. ❤️ A caring daughter. ❤️ A resourceful son. ❤️

You have no desire to upset your wife, demean your husband, blow up at your mom, or yell at your dad. Yet… you are.

Your frustration around “getting him or her to do things” is wrecking your relationship.  And for what it’s worth, it’s not who you want to be.

Allow me to share a story with you; one to which you might relate. 

Vivian was an extremely independent woman, having managed a lot in her life. She believed she remained in control of her calendar. She believed she made her own appointments and succeeded in getting to them on time.

However, her short-term memory loss robbed her of this ability over a year ago.

Her daughter, Clare, had slowly and gradually taken over this management for her.

One morning, Vivian had an appointment at the cardiologist. Clare had put it on the calendar. She’d called the night before to remind her. She’d chosen the time carefully because her mom is usually up early. She’d waited six months for this appointment. It was important.

That morning, when Clare arrived, Vivian was still in pajama’s and had no idea about the appointment!  Furthermore, she was upset with Clare for insinuating that she, Vivian, had messed up!

Clare did what so many of us do. She tried to convince and cajole her mom into putting on clothes and getting into the car. While Clare started by explaining she had called the night before, she confirmed it with her mom and it was in Vivian’s calendar, etc. Vivian denied it all!  Clare’s frustration mounted as did Vivian’s and while they did make it to the appt, close to on time, no doubt Vivian’s blood pressure was up and so was Clare’s!

Are you thinking, “is this story familiar?  Familiar?  I am thinking, “where do you have the hidden camera set up in my mom’s home where you watched what happened this morning????”  

Is it safe to say, you know the story?  

Is it safe to say that once or ten times, you could replace Clare and Vivian’s names with your name and either your spouse or parent?  

You know that trying to explain it and remind her or him you did everything right is not the answer (you have enough trial and error scars to prove this to yourself). 

BUT, what DO YOU DO?

The Origins of This Mistake (Why Do you KEEP Making This Mistake?)

Let’s take a step back to determine why you are making the mistake (spoiler alert - you care about someone and give thought to helping them - all good things) before we jump into steps you can take to fix it! 

Let’s define what reasoning is and how it is used EVERY DAY. 

🖤 Telling your best friend you can’t get together for dinner because you came down with a cold.

🖤 Advocating to your boss that you deserve a promotion because you have outperformed your co-workers and in less time.

🖤 Taking Tylenol before you go to bed because your body is sore from your work out.

Reasoning is “this, because of that”.  

❤️ Making a dinner reservation because you want to make sure there is a table available for you and your party.

 Do you notice something about the examples?  

They are unrelated.  They span all aspects of life.  This is one of the most NORMAL elements in our lives!  EVERY DAY.  In relationships, in decisions, in behavior, in our thoughts! 

EVERY WHERE.  

Now, you have to stop. Stop doing this most normal way of communication.  Of course this is so hard!  Almost impossible.  BUT, it is not impossible.  Stay with me.

Do you understand why this is so hard?  This subconscious way of life doesn’t work here.  You know not to do this with your spouse or parent who has dementia, but you can’t stop because this is the only area of your life where you have to stop.  

You are going 100 miles an hour and must turn on a dime.  Well, I am no race car driver (though some NYS cops would disagree; I digress), but I would argue that takes A LOT OF practice! 

In this blog, I am going to start by telling you three reasons, in my experience, that this is so hard to put into practice.  I will follow those points with four ways you can start to make this change.

1.  YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT IS POSSIBLE!

Only then can you start to learn how.

It bears repeating a few times.  You are making this mistake because you care about someone.  You aren’t doing this for your own good (although yes, sometimes you are trying to send the message that “I did this for you!  I spent MY TIME doing this FOR YOU!!”  (meant to be read with emphasis, not yelling at the person in your head).

I created my program, Dementia Caring with Kerry, my online, self-paced program that brings you through 7 lessons, so that you can make this understanding more fluent and more natural.

Inside each of the 7 lessons, I will challenge you to try something else or think a little differently (and I back it up with a multitude of reasons why). 

I do this because I want you to take your own real-life examples, try something different and get a different outcome.  The more this happens, the more you will start to engage with your spouse or parent in a way that is satisfying and dare I say, successful.

When you have more understanding as to what is happening in her brain and why she reacts as she does, the “what to do” becomes more grounded, and trust me, more natural with time. 

How do I know this?  Because I have thousands of examples!  I have given lectures and received emails that very night of impossible situations for families that changed in a moment!  I have worked alongside families and have seen the “immediate concerns” totally dissipate and become non issues as families work toward more substance and life in their care partner role.  I have seen it in community settings with professionals.

Now that you know the main and most common reason you keep making this mistake, you know why this is so hard.  You have to stop doing what is so normal, routine and frequent in your life, just for one person.

As I mentioned I would point out three reasons that spouses and children struggle with using reason and logic.  The first is above 👆. 

The second and third reasons are less common reasons, and arguably more complicated.  Here they are. After these points, I will share three approaches you can begin to engage more successfully with your parent or spouse than using logic and reason.

2.  It is hard not to be right. 

Hmmm… that one hurts a little and can be hard to admit.  This tends to be more common where relationships might be a little strained to begin with. 

Mom was a bit controlling and you handled this your whole life by sticking to your guns, no matter what she said.  Now, this just means more arguments.  It may not have meant peace earlier in your life, but it was your coping mechanism. 

Your husband was always stubborn.  He always spoke harshly.  He was always abrupt or quick to argue.  You adjusted by fighting back or going cold.  Now, you are hitting a new height. 

You may have spent the life of this relationship responding in a certain way as your way of coping. 

But now.

Enter dementia. 

How do you pick apart the threads of daily life and determine what is the old person and what is the dementia … and does it matter?

It might matter to you.  That is understandable.  And.  The path forward might be the same as I have described here, even if you started with a compromised relationship.

I had one client that had a very difficult childhood herself, and her family shared that she was a bit stubborn to begin with.

HER coping mechanism was that NO ONE EVER

could try to coerce or convince her.

This also meant that her husband, an engineer, had to step way outside his own way of thinking.  Yes, he changed and became more responsive to her emotions than to what he saw as logical.  Talk about showing great love and devotion to his wife to make this change in his behavior, wow! 

It also meant that her three kids had to let a lot of hard things happen.  She got lost because she insisted, she would drive herself.  Or.  She refused to join the family vacations because someone expressed concern for her. 

Hard things to manage.  Dementia or no dementia. 

Here is the principle, that may take some time to sink in, that many have found to be helpful.

There is a difference between not being wrong and being right. 

Not being wrong leaves, a lot of room for variation in a situation.  Being right may come from something deeper inside of you.  As you love and care for your spouse or parent with dementia, this might be the beginning of a time for you to heal.  It might be a time for you to re-evaluate why you react and respond as you do and evaluate if you want to try something new.  I have witnessed spouses and children do this in many ways. 

• Sometimes with a professional and other times in a peer support group.
• I have seen spouses especially, partner with a professional caregiver and become a team where they work together and this gives the spouse support in these times.
• I have seen spouses and children simply give thought to their situation and their relationship and do the healing work on their own since they feel forced to.
• Throughout the program, I give you many things to think about. Much of the course will reflect back on you; your attitude, your perspective, your goals, etc.  Naturally, this will all circle back to the relationship, giving you time throughout the program to also consider your relationship. 

Pause and give this thought. 

Now, the third and final reason why it is hard to break the pattern of using logic and reason to try to change behavior of your spouse or parent with dementia.  Of note, this won’t apply to all who are reading this, but I felt it was important to note for those it touches.  After this last point, we will switch gears to the four tactics that will help you engage more with your loved one with dementia bypassing reason and logic.

3. The belief that it doesn’t matter (how you act, what you say, etc.)

This belief trips people up and keeps them stuck in the same patterns.

It can show up in different ways:

• Maybe you think it doesn’t matter because your mom will forget.
• Or your dad is so confused, it won’t make a difference.
• Maybe your husband isn’t aware, so why bother changing how you respond.
• Or you tell yourself, “I just have to make things happen, and my wife will get over it.”

If I don’t believe something will make a difference, I have a hard time committing to it. And that’s true for all of us.

This is one of those situations where it’s hard to believe until you see it for yourself.

And the truth is not everything can be solved just by reading a post. This is one of those things.

As we move into what you can do, I want to ask something simple of you, especially if you relate to this idea that it doesn’t matter, or if you find yourself needing to be right:

Just be willing to consider a different way.

You’re here, reading this for a reason.
Something in this is already speaking to you.

And I want you to know you’re not alone in this.

I’ve walked alongside people in situations that are complicated, painful, and deeply personal:

• Women caring for husbands who once hurt them
• Adult children caring for fathers who were never kind
• Children who never heard “I love you” from their mom or dad
• The one child who wasn’t favored… now carrying the responsibility of care

These situations didn’t start with dementia.
But dementia brings them all to the surface and makes them harder to navigate.

I have never asked any of these people to simply “believe” what I teach.
And I’m not asking that of you either.

I only ask this:
Be willing to try.
Let your thinking shift based on what you experience, not just what you believe right now.

Inside my program, Dementia Caring with Kerry, we begin with Lesson 1: The Heartfelt of Care.

This is where we explore the difference between being a caregiver and becoming a care partner.

And while that shift can be powerful for anyone, it becomes especially important when your history with this person is complicated.

This lesson helps you find balance:

• Between your past and your present
• Between old patterns and new choices
• Between the boundaries you’ve lived with… and the ones you may need now

It’s a strong place to begin as you start to see what’s possible and how your role can evolve.

So, What Do You Do Instead?

We just established the frequency, difficulty and reasons why it is so hard to 1. explain yourself and 2. comfort your loved one with dementia, without using “reason”, (hence, the reason you just took a huge deep breath!).  Now, the good news is here. 🙂

I want to cover four simple approaches in mind and practical in nature (yes, this will take practice) that you can take instead of falling into a logic vortex!

1.  Apologize—even when you’re not wrong.

Let’s go back to Clare and Vivian.

Clare knows she reminded her mom. She’s right.

But instead of proving she’s right, what if she said:

“Mom, please forgive me. In the hustle and bustle of life, I thought I told you.”

That’s true. Clare did think she told her because … she did tell her. But by focusing on connection instead of correction, Clare validates her mom’s experience and eases the tension.

She could go on to say:

“I know this is catching you way off guard and that is very unsettling. I would feel the exact same way and I am so sorry you are feeling this way!”

Because this is all true!  Clare doesn’t want her mom to feel unsettled, ever, about anything.

“This time, can I ask you to forgive me so we can get to the appointment, and later today, we can discuss a better system to make sure this doesn’t happen again? “

Clare is trying to achieve success in this moment.  She is not trying to create a plan that will work for all of time.  She knows she will likely be in this exact spot again. Clare is also involving Vivian in problem solving for the future, where she might (or might not) offer a nugget of insight Clare can use next time.

In all of this, Clare didn’t admit to being wrong, but she did acknowledge and validate for Vivian that something wrong happened here.  Clare responds to the feeling, not the logic.

2.  Learn from your mistakes.

Life is made up of many trials and errors.  For instance:

• Husband makes a joke to wife about wife. 
  • Wife gets upset.
• Husband apologizes.
• Next time, he makes a similar joke but differently.
  • Does wife get upset or not? 
• Husband adjusts accordingly.    

This is a pattern with which every one of us is ALTOGETHER FAMILIAR. 

This pattern of changing based on what you learn in a situation.  The good news is that you already possess the skills needed to apply this principle with your spouse or parent with dementia.

The hard part is that it requires you to pay attention. 

Let’s say your mom keeps asking where her own mother is.

You tell her, “Mom, Grandma passed away years ago.” (true and logical)
And she gets upset—every time. (she has an emotional response)

That’s your cue to try something different.

Maybe next time, you say, “You were such a wonderful daughter. What do you remember most about your mom?” or “I think she’d be so proud of how you’re doing.” (you have responded to the emotion you saw last time she asked for her mother.)

When something doesn’t work—don’t repeat it. Try another response. 

Inside my self-paced program, Dementia Caring with Kerry, we break these exact situations down—with stories, examples, and mindset shifts to help you practice.

We tackle tough scenarios like:

• “I want to go home.”
• “I need to go to work.”
• “Where is my mother?”

The lessons are practical and human—and built to help you succeed, not just manage your loved one.

Spoiler alert: you are the answer.

Not because you have to do everything. But because how you engage changes everything.

This is about your growth, your behavior, your mindset. And we give you tools and stories to make it all feel doable.

3.  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

This might sound counterintuitive.  You might be wondering, “didn’t she just read the rest of what she wrote here?”  Stay with me. 😊

I am actually getting ahead of something that IS going to happen. 

You actually are going to make mistakes.

You are going to lose your patience again. 

You are going to get frustrated again. 

But, knowing the right thing to do and practicing it every time aren’t the same thing. 

Since the ultimate goal is for your spouse or parent with dementia to have an engaged and peaceful life, this is also the goal I have on the docket for you.

With this in mind, let me explain further. I want you to expect, to continue to, make mistakes because when you are learning something, mistakes or trial and error, happen. 

• When you learned to walk, you fell many times.
• When you learned to ride a bike, you wobbled and crashed a few times.
• When you started the work in your profession, you made some mistakes at first.

This is all part of life.

Having reasonable expectations is one of the golden tools in this disease process! 

Reasonable expectations for yourself and your spouse or parent with dementia. 

In Dementia Caring with Kerry, we cover a lot of ground here because reasonable expectations are a huge step to minimize disappointment!   

Each of the seven lessons will give you pause to reflect on what expectations you had this week or month that didn’t pan out. 

Several of the lessons give you exercises like role playing, “situation replay” and “what will you do differently next time” to give you the space to think this through and have a plan for the next time you are in this situation. 

Since mistakes happen, knowing (and accepting) this will bring you less disappointment.   🤯

4.  Practice often, your opportunities are plentiful.

People often live with dementia for years.  This isn’t a diagnosis that takes someone’s life in a year or is sudden like a car accident.  It is gradual and progressive.  The skills you learn today will carry you far into the future. 

Time is actually on your side because people progress through this disease slowly.

In Dementia Caring with Kerry, you will be exposed to skills of how to practice, how to tweak what you are doing, how to move on when you are down on yourself and more. 

When I was running a memory care program, we had a sweet gentleman who lived in our program whose wife visited with him regularly.  Over time, she took the principles that are in my program and she gradually applied them in her relationship to her husband.

This couple had a wonderful life.  They had no children, it was just the two of them.  By the world’s standards they had everything.  Homes, vacations, friends, each other.  She said it wasn’t until he was sick with Alzheimer’s disease, that she learned how to just “be” with him.  She said it was during this time, sitting by him when he slept.  Giving him a manicure when he just looked at her.  Walking hand in hand with no particular destination.  She said it was then, “that their relationship was the deepest.”  At their core, just being with each other was made manifest at the highest level.

This type of outcome is entirely possible for you as well, even if it feels far off.

By focusing on what can be done as it relates to your loved one with dementia, you will feel less helpless.

Your belief system, reactions and encounters are what will change your experience with this disease.

When you learn to put aside logic and reason and focus on connection and emotional needs of your spouse or parent, you can expect to have a more fulfilled relationship. 

It will take time.  You will practice and succeed.

You will get things done, you will set goals and accomplish them.  This change in approach does not mean mayhem, it just means you will focus differently.

Using real stories I have witnessed, to give you context, to make these suggestions 3D, Dementia Caring with Kerry is focused on human behavior; yours and your spouse and/or parent.  These are principles that are pervasive in the program.   

You Might Be Wondering…

“If I stop using logic, am I lying?”

I think part of the reason you might ask this, especially if you have read all the “compassionate” ways and reasons to lie to a person with dementia, is because you believe lying is not morally or consciously the right response. 

I would agree and I will take it one step further to say it is disingenuous. 

Furthermore, a person with dementia (especially a parent or spouse) often isn’t even comforted by a lie from their family because they sense something isn’t right in the response. Remember, parents often know when their kids are lying from a young age, this doesn’t change.  And good marriages usually are based on honesty. 

One human to another, I think it is a good thing if you struggle to lie to your spouse or parent. 😊💖

So, do I believe that by NOT being logical you are lying?

I don’t and I will give you an example.

Husband wakes up in the middle of the night to go to work. 

You try logic:

• “It is the middle of the night. “
• “You’re retired.”
• “You don’t have to work tonight.”

(This is when most people lean into the lie next):

• “Your boss called and you have the day off.”

Using the principles I am writing about here, there is another response.  It is not logic nor a lie.

• You can say, “honey, thank you for always taking such good care of our family. You work so hard.  I know you have things on your mind, but can I ask you to come back to bed for a little while longer?” 

It may or may not convince your husband to come back to bed.  In this case, logic nor lying will work either.  This points to an underlying issue that is far deeper than your response.  We get into this EXACT example in lesson 5 in Dementia Caring with Kerry.  The greater issue in this example has to do with purpose and structuring the day differently. 

The point I am making here is that your responses will go into a greater depth of truth than a simple answer lie or logic. 

Think of the earlier example of Clara and Vivian.  Clara acknowledged that her mom was stressed and upset by the situation.

She didn’t lie. 

She didn’t use logic.

She also didn’t dive into full truth. 

She simply acknowledged what her mom was feeling and responded accordingly. 

I have challenged myself over the years to always look for the deepest truth in the situation.  What I have found and what I think you will find too, is that this isn’t about lying or logic or truth, but it is about listening with compassion and responding accordingly.  This will never rub your consciousness the wrong way.

 The Heart of It All

You want peace.

Love.

A relationship you can feel proud of; even if it looks different than before. 

You’re here reading this because something inside of you knows there has to be another way.

This post gave you four practical and powerful steps to take to avoid the mistake of using reason or logic to try to convince your spouse or parent with dementia to change their behavior.  These steps are

1. Apologize—even when you’re not wrong.
2. Learn from your mistakes.
3. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
4. Practice often, your opportunities are plentiful.

 Try them. And if you stumble, that’s okay. Try again.

These four steps are

❤️simple to understand,

❤️profound to comprehend and

❤️take practice to succeed.

 I know you are fully capable of making this change. 

Do you know why? 

• You are already doing the hard work of loving your spouse or parent with dementia. 
• You are already putting in the time. 
• You are already motivated by the love you have.
• You are already willing to make changes, evidenced by all the changes you have already made.

Because of this, I know you can apply these changes and that you will have success. What that success looks like and the story it takes to get there, well,  you will know after you try.

Are you ready to learn and incorporate what you have read into your relationship with your loved one with dementia?

Using logic and reason to try to change behavior in your loved one with dementia is one mistake on a long list of things spouses and children do every day because they love deeply.

So why not learn a more satisfying way to show that love?

💡 Join me today inside Dementia Caring with Kerry, my online, self-paced, 7 lesson course that teaches you how to think differently so you can respond differently, with confidence and peace.

Let’s help you connect with your loved one in a way that actually works and feels good for both of you.